Guarded

2020 jumped me y’all.

I have never in all my years had a year quite like this one. The pain…the growth…the tears…AND IT STILL AIN’T OVER! There are no words for the last 9 months, but I do have a word for this last quarter - guarded.

To often this year I’ve dropped my guard, and taken a beating because of it. Sometimes it was because I was determined to be right. Sometimes it was my emotions getting the best of me. Sometimes it was me letting people get the best of me. A few times it was because I lost focus on what really matters to me. No matter the reason - when my walls fell, the pain came in. And let me tell you… unmedicated birth has nothing on this!

Get a grip. Then get a plan.

I’m not here to loathe. I take full responsibility for my pain. I’ve refused to adjust to respond to an environment that is no longer habitable. That’s on me - which also means it’s my responsibility to BE the change that I need.

So walls up. I’m no longer lowering myself to deal with things that don’t further my personal goals. I have children to raise, businesses to run, healthy habits to create, countries to explore, books to write, and people to love on - especially me, cause I’m my “people” first.

It’s easy to talk the talk, but daily I have to stop myself from stooping low to acknowledge both blatant and indirect jabs at me. It still burns me... not being able to lash out and lose my ish because I feel those people deserve the same energy they dished out to me. However, I’m learning to let that go. When you argue with fools, from a distance, folks can’t tell who’s who. I’m tired of allowing myself to get caught up in the mess of it all cause honestly - it’s not helping me to do the one thing I desperately want to do.

So here’s to actively protecting me and my space. Everyday I work to ground myself a little bit more…so when these winds of life inevitably come, I’m able to either remain unmoved, or to walk calmly (not to be blown) away.