Brokenhearted
It’s so easy to come out of something you were never supposed be in and be happy to be done with that chapter. But no one ever wants to deal (loudly) with the heartbreak of failure.
Since I was little I remember planning out my life as a wife and a mom. I was gonna get married to the love of my life, and we were going to have 3 kids back to back (2 boys and a little girl). We would raise our little family on in a cute house on a lot of land with a couple dogs. I would host holidays. We’d build a backyard that all the kids would want to convene at during the summer. I’d be the dope mom on the block! Hubs and I would spend the early years working and building and by middle school I’d stop working and be fully available to be a PTA, after school activities, never miss a performance Mom. Date nights would be a weekly thing. We’d never go to bed angry. Bliss.
Oh how I settled for something so far beneath this life I envisioned back then. What’s crazy is I didn’t even fully comprehend what I’d allowed until I was out of it. I went out of my way to romanticize what I chose. Trying to make the best of it even though it didn’t even remotely resemble what I knew I wanted for myself. I wanted to make it fit! I wanted it to be my happily ever after…no matter the toll it took.
And now it’s over.
I’m so happy for me. I deserve so much more…that I can’t even access right now because I’m an un-healed mess. I was so starved of love and care that I now crave it in such an unhealthy way. I have gorged on emotional exchanges and now…I have a stomachache!
Overindulgence is a thing for me. I know this to be true. So in my heartbreak I have sought out various versions of what I wanted over the past years and while it was good, it was never sustainable. So I remain as empty as ever…as sad as ever…as broken as ever…because I have yet to fill my void with self.
What I need is me. I need Sharee to fully show up for herself and to stop trying to fill this void with everything else…and that is hard.
I can’t tell you that I know what right looks like…not for me and definitely not for you. What I can say is that somewhere at the bottom of a delicious bottle of champagne is a truth that I don’t even know if I am ready to tell myself or anyone else. That’s okay too.
We all learn our lessons at different times and I find myself ever closer. I find myself setting new boundaries. I find myself more comfortable with walking away from things that don’t set well with me. I find myself gravitating towards a solitude that is foreign to me. Though I know this is where I am supposed to be, my brokenheart rears itself…reminding me that before I can have all the good that I deserve…I need to mend somethings first.
As long as I am broken-I will attract the like. I know that goodness wants me… I just need to till my soil…my soul.