Anime Life Lessons (Part 1)

If you can’t love me at my Nanika, you don’t deserve my Alluka.

Alright, if you’re a fan of Hunter x Hunter, then you already know where I’m headed with this, but for everyone else—bear with me, because this is a nerdy one. Lol.

I’m still learning the importance of accepting myself — every messy, beautiful, confusing, and downright strange part of who I am. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to compartmentalize pieces of myself that I thought didn’t belong in the version of me that I want to present to the world. I’ve put out the ‘best’ version of myself, and the rest got shoved somewhere deep down…only to come out at night when the house is quiet and I'm left alone with nothing but my thoughts.

For those not so familiar with Hunter x Hunter, there’s a character named Alluka and she has a bit of a unique situation going on. There are two distinct sides—Alluka (sweet younger sibling who just wants to enjoy life with her family), and then there’s Nanika (immensely powerful, dark entity residing in Alluka’s body). Alluka is treated horribly by those that know that Nanika exists, causing those that seek to protect her to want Nanika to go away. What everyone fails to realize, is Alluka and Nanika are two parts of a whole. You can’t fully understand one without acknowledging the other.

And that is exactly what it feels like to come to terms with the fact that you can’t just love the “Alluka” in yourself—the part that’s kind, presentable, and easy to explain. You have to accept the “Nanika” too—the raw, intense, and sometimes overwhelming part that comes out when things get a little too real. The part that might freak people out because they just don’t know how to handle it.

For a long time, I tried to be just the “Alluka” version of myself for the world. Polished, sweet, the ‘easy-to-handle’ me. But I’ve come to learn that true self-acceptance means embracing my own “Nanika” too. Those parts of me that aren’t so neatly wrapped up. The parts that feel, want, and sometimes demand a little more from life than I think I’m allowed to ask for.

But here’s the catch—it’s not just about me accepting my Nanika side. The people in my life have to accept it too. If they only want the cute, friendly, “Alluka” version of me and get all freaked out when “Nanika” shows up…well, that’s a problem. Because I can’t be just one part of me. I’m the whole package. You can’t love one side and reject the other, because they’re intertwined. You want to know me? You’re going to have to take the quiet me and the wild me, the peaceful days and the stormy nights. I’m both.

I’m the one who will show up with a smile and offer you the world, but I’m also the one who will demand to be heard when I feel unseen. I’m not apologizing for that anymore. Just like Alluka and Nanika, I’ve come to realize that all of me has a purpose, and both sides need to be acknowledged, respected, and loved.

Here’s the kicker—if someone can’t handle your “Nanika,” then they’re not really loving you. They’re just loving the parts of you that fit into their comfort zone. And let me tell you, you deserve better than that. We all do. We deserve people who can stand beside us when we’re at our best, but also when we’re intense, emotional, and maybe even a little chaotic.

Just like Killua (the big brother for my non-nerds) stood by both Alluka and Nanika, loving them as one complete person, we need people who will stand by all of us. People who will talk us through the good days and the bad, who won’t flinch when our “Nanika” side comes out. Because, newsflash, we’re all made up of those dualities. And real love—whether it’s self-love or love from others—means embracing both sides.

So here’s to us learning to accept ourselves fully. Embracing our inner duality, and finding the people who will embrace us too.